“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
-C. JoyBell C.
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NOTE- This is not a breezy, funny Blair blog post, this is the dead ass serious truth, the secrets that I've been keeping about Chuck and about our relationship. Skip if you hate sad shit.
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Due to recent events, I have become
unsettled.
Mostly because of the fact that so many view me as this evil girl who ruined her picture perfect relationship, a girl who was too much to handle for poor, sweet, innocent Chuck. Of course, he had to make the valiant decision to break up with her, because she was taking advantage of poor Chuck, because she's an evil, annoying bitch.
Not only is this tremendously unfair to me, but it's also completely one sided. Maybe, if Chuck gets the balls someday he'll tell you his side, but today, I'll tell you mine.
Three months into my relationship with Chuck, we had a serious conversation where he admitted that it's difficult for him to feel things, he essentially told me that he was a sociopath, although he did not use those words. He had no remorse for his actions, he felt nothing, and had no empathy. He told me that he lied all the time to people, that he felt no remorse for doing so, and that it was something that he couldn't control. He told me that sometimes he lied to get what he wanted, sometimes he lied to make people happy- regardless it was a regular thing, and he lied all the time. At the time, I was so madly in love with him that I didn't run for the hills, to be completely honest with all of you, part of me thought that I would be able to help him, and that I could live with the fact that my boyfriend could have been lying to me 50% of the time. He admitted that day that although he really liked me, he might not ever be able to feel true love. Reluctantly, I said it was fine, and I thought that I could ignore this darker side to my boyfriend. When he told me that he loved me, I was over the moon, and thought for a second, that maybe our relationship was helping him, and that he would stop lying and manipulating people.
My job as his girlfriend was not as picture perfect as people thought, I often had to cover up his tracks and the lies that he told people. Sometimes his friends would ask me where he was, and I would tell them, only to have them say, "he told me (insert thing here)," and I would have to pretend that I was sadly mistaken and somewhat stupid. They probably thought our relationship was shaky or that he was keeping secrets from me, but really I was covering his tracks- even though he was a complete liar, I loved him so much that I would have rather taken the hit than to have them know the truth about him.
As this happened, I was finding out that things he had told me when we first started dating were complete lies as well. The girl he claimed to have dated for three months turned into this girl he dated for one, to this girl he never dated that had a crush on him. Their "almost sex" experience turned into him only fondling her breasts into only him kissing her into him not even giving her a hug! It was hard for me, living and trusting him, when in the back of my head I told myself that he could be lying to me. I watched as he lied to everyone else around us, but honestly I convinced myself that I didn't care as long as he didn't lie to me.
Shortly after that, I remember one night when he completely broke down and kept talking about how he was crazy, he just kept repeating it in this grim, evil, and sinister voice. He would not stop repeating it over and over again, "I'm crazy, Blair!" He listed reasons why he was crazy and evil, manipulative and conniving, in that terrifying voice. He didn't look like my boyfriend- and he wasn't that night. I was horrified, and completely scared for my life, but I tried to do what had been doing- talking to him, being there for him, and being his emotional support. He was having a mental breakdown, and I tried my best to help him.
The next day, he had no recollection of the events of the night before. He laughed at the events when I recounted them to him, scared and practically trembling as I remembered everything that had happened. I have never been scared of him, except for that one night. He told me that I was obviously joking, and shrugged it off. I mentioned it again casually a month later, and he laughed again.
He left to go to Mexico for the summer, and when he came back I was overjoyed. We had done long distance for the summer- at the time he told me that he had no cell phone signal, no wifi or internet unless he went to the nearest Internet cafe, no data, etc. (Now, I wonder if that was a lie...) We talked a few times a week, for very short bursts of time, and I practically lived for those times. So, of course, when he came back I was ready to tell him all about my summer and catch up with him.
He tried to dump me, literally minutes after seeing me again. He told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship and we had the longest heart to heart conversation. We ended up staying together, although now in hindsight I think I could have spared myself so much pain and heartbreak if I had just kicked him out and said goodbye. He told me that he was going to try, which completely took me aback because I thought that he was already trying! Our relationship seemed fine!
During this time, our relationship started to decay. He was only focusing and caring about himself, and the things he was working on. He wasn't spending time with me like he used to and he didn't take me on dates like he used to. I was just there, and no longer the phenomenal and amazing girl that he used to think I was. As he met new people, I resumed covering his tracks, although this time it felt more wrong. The distance between us was growing, and although I wanted to ignore that it was happening, it was a very real thing. And I couldn't stop it.
One night, he completely lied about what he was doing that day, he claimed that he was out with his parents the whole day and grabbing dinner with them. I ran into his friend Lauren, and I told her that I was heading over to see him that night, and that how he was with his parents all day. Later that night, he told me that Lauren, him, and a few friends hung out all day and that he lied to me about his parents. He had lied to me, and I wouldn't have cared what he was really doing! I felt so humiliated and ashamed, and when he told me he had internet in Mexico for a week straight I was furious. It had been so hard to do long distance, and he could have talked to me for a week! I remember getting out of bed, trying to put on my clothes, ready to walk out of the door. Chuck begged me to stop and to stay, and because I loved him, I did.
Another time, he had told me he was at home, and when I ran into his friends at Target they told me that they were throwing a party and that Chuck was coming that night. They were shocked that he didn't tell me, and I had to pretend like I was a fool, in order to cover his tracks. I remember the exact look on their faces, their pity for me, and their assumption that our relationship was truly failing.
That whole experience with Lauren, the whole lie about the party, and so many others fueled strong rumors that I had become so difficult, and so hard to escape that Chuck had to resort to lying to get away from me. Everyone thought that I was such a bitch, and so intolerable that Chuck had to lie and keep secrets from me. It was embarrassing, and it broke my heart.
When we broke up, the entire night was a blur. I remember begging him to try, and asking why it was happening- I just didn't understand. He told me that I was manipulative, childish, bitchy, and scheming. I'll never forget those words he said to me, because they broke my heart in an instant. He had no idea what I had sacrificed, and what I had done for him. I had taken so many hits to cover his tracks, I had covered for his lies countless times, and it was something that I never revealed to him.
The rumors of our break up circulated quickly, of course, all of them stating that I was so goddamn difficult and manipulative, evil and bitchy that sweet, innocent Chuck simply had to dump me. He had remained the golden boy, and as I tragically tried to mend my broken heart, everyone continued to talk about how great he was and how phenomenal he was.
"None if you would be thinking so, if you knew the truth, if you knew what I had done."
We tried to stay friends, and went through a tumultuous post-break up. It was a back and forth of me falling back into old habits, trying to be there for him and covering up for him- and this time we weren't even dating. As I kept falling back in love with him, he just kept pulling out excuses about why we couldn't get back together...even though we basically acted similarly to if we were dating. All the reasons revolved around him, and it seemed like he had no remorse for dumping me. He didn't even feel bad. AND he had dumped me before finals, and completely shattered me.
Even during our relationship, I had always listened to people praise him and talk about what a nice guy he was, and how phenomenal of a person he was. What made it even worse is that everyone kept talking about how terrible I was and how bitchy I was (because he was sooooo great). They constantly asked me about him, and it was the only thing people would talk to me about!
There was one point when I was moving forward, and he had contacted me, and sucked me back in again. After this, we began sneaking around, and I found myself once again sticking up for him and covering his tracks. This time, he had manipulated me and convinced me, and I did so much for him! I brought him food, I helped him do laundry...I even wrote two essays for him. I wrote his personal statement that got him his internship.
Things had seemed good, things had seemed great...and then he disappeared. I won't waste your time, and go into detail, because cycle happened a few times, until one fateful day. He had returned back to Chicago...and I had heard nothing. He disappeared, once again. But this time was different. This time I made the choice to move forward and to take care of my own damn self.
I didn't say anything to him, I didn't try to help him, I didn't do any of it. I wanted to help myself. He was a (semi) adult, and it was time that he took responsibility for his actions, that he took care of himself, and that he handle things on her own. I couldn't be constantly hurt, constantly manipulated, and constantly dragged into someone else's own problems. So, as hard as it was for me to do, I decided to close that chapter of my life.
I've thought about telling him the truth a few times, he would ultimately have to live with the fact that he lost someone who genuinely cared for him and sacrificed so much. But I don't, because it's passed, and I'm moving forward.
I remember when I slept with Zayn, and Matthew told me that ignoring things (and people) isn't a way to close a chapter in your life. You have to accept what happened, and move forward.
